If you’re an adult who still eats Hot Pockets, may God have mercy on your soul.
However, there has been no better time to quit eating these bundled-up fart factories than now, as some are being recalled for containing “diseased meat.”
Don’t try to justify it. Don’t say, “Well, it’s just a couple kinds. I don’t even eat the Philly Steak and Cheese varieties!” Just do your body and rectum one small favor and stop eating Hot Pockets all together.
You may think it’s normal to want to warmly welcome death after a meal, but that’s just not how it’s supposed to go. Believe it or not, but you’re meant to feel healthier and happier following your breakfast, lunch and, yes, dinner. Sprinting to the toilet immediately after eating was never part of the original plan.
But hey, maybe you’ll ride out this diseased meat nonsense and defiantly eat Hot Pockets in the face of such blatant anti-microwavable meat sandwich propaganda, wearing a “Don’t Tread on Me” shirt that barely covers a midriff that resembles the look of someone trying to escape from within.
It’s your choice and you are what makes America great.
