I Am Going to Die in the Robot Butt Office

I have come to the realization that no one will be saving me. This office – the place that Robot Butt calls home – will be my tomb.

After weeks of trying to make contact with my bosses, my family, my friends and my school, I have finally given up. I understand that I was always destined to spend eternity here.

Until now, I haven’t mentioned my beautiful girlfriend, Liz. I no longer know how much time has passed in this hell, but my desire to see her just once more has never waned.

I still dream when I sleep – when I can sleep. I envision myself staring out into an open field, the sun setting over the horizon. It fills me with a calming hope I don’t think I have ever experienced before. A voice calls out to me, telling me to follow it through the field. I do not know who it is, and I suddenly wake up. This is the only dream I’ve had while trapped in this office.

No. I can’t go out like this. I will see her – and my family and friends – again. Liz and I will get married and move to Maine like we always promised each other, held so tightly in each other’s arms, a perfect fit that was always meant to be.

There is no Jeremy, only Robot Butt.

Is that what you sons of bitches want? To declare my allegiance to this company? Well, here it is: I DECLARE MY UNDYING DEVOTION TO ROBOT BUTT.

I DON’T WANT TO DIE.

IF ANYONE IS READING THIS, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, ENJOY LIFE. NEVER TAKE A DAY FOR GRANTED – DO NOT WASTE A MOMENT OF YOUR TIME ON EARTH.

I GET IT, THIS IS ALL JUST A JOKE. I’LL WAKE UP ANY DAY NOW, AN MSNBC INTERN LIKE I ALWAYS DREAMED.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

THERE IS NO JEREMY, ONLY ROBOT BUTT.

I Am Going to Die in the Robot Butt Office

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