In the latest example of a harmful industry funding a study to tell you exactly what you want to hear, the American Beverage Association wants to convince you that drinking diet soda will, somehow, help you lose weight. This is great news to people who can’t stop drinking diet soda and are looking for any sort of justification to keep doing it, despite the fact that aspartame will cause any of the following*:
- The ability to grow new limbs, but not ones you want or where you’d want them
- The birth of hyper-intelligent babies likely forced to live the plot of Baby Geniuses
- Blood-red eyes during a full moon
- A faint scar appearing on your right arm that reads, “Eat More Aspartame”
- Talking – and condescending – boogers
- The inability to see while driving
- Screaming voices in your head that won’t stop until you open another Diet Coke
*Probably. I didn’t bother to check.
You know diet soda is horrendous for your health, and it’s possible that at some point you were even in the midst of switching to water. But since you read a beverage industry-funded study that said it could help you lose weight – and probably read a study like “The REAL horror of drinking water” on a blog that was designed in 1997 and still features a sparkling, spinning GIF or two – you’ll just keep on keepin’ on.
In a way, that’s pretty admirable. Like smoking, diet soda is bombarded with overwhelming evidence of its harmful effects, but one study that assumes some stuff about willpower and how we only have a short reserve of it (which is pretty insane and should feel fairly offensive, right?) is enough for people to feel as though they have no other choice but to drink it.
Some people just won’t be swayed no matter what, but I’m not here to rail against anyone who chooses to drink diet soda. Well…yes I am. But everything is going to kill you anyway, so you might as well live it up while you can.
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