ZANESVILLE, Ohio – In a developing story, local mother Karen Ross, 47, has confounded her two children with vague and at times contradictory details about that one actor she likes.
According to Dylan Ross, 22, his mother mentioned recently watching a movie she enjoyed but gave only sketchy plot details before attempting to recall the leading man. Sources indicate the man has been described as “goofy” and “tallish” as well as “pretty darn cute” and with “sort of a mean streak.”
“She said the movie was kind of a thriller, so I thought Liam Neeson was a good guess,” said Dylan. “But that wasn’t it. All she knew for sure was there were some car chases and this guy saving people from a building. Russell Crowe in The Next Three Days? Bruce Willis in A Good Day to Die Hard? I don’t know, maybe the original Die Hard was on TBS or something.”
Family sources reported that though this wasn’t the first time Mom had sent everyone scrambling to Google actors, this particular incident was more difficult than most.
“That one time was awful, where she kept saying, ‘That weird, skinny guy, you know’ who ended up being Stanley Tucci,” said 20-year-old Megan Ross, visibly tired. “But this has to be worse. I’m usually pretty good at sorting them out, but we’ve been at this for forty goddamn minutes.”
“He’s supposed to be really funny, but in action movies and also romantic comedies,” reported Dylan, frantically scrolling IMDB. “And she thinks he’s about forty but said he had a slump in the mid-’90s—so was he a child actor? Leonardo DiCaprio?”
Actors currently ruled out include Johnny Depp, Patrick Wilson, Ryan Gosling, Paul Rudd, Robert Downey, Jr., John Travolta, Nicholas Cage, Brad Pitt, Kevin Costner, Bradley Cooper, John Goodman, Christian Bale, Owen Wilson, Tim Robbins, David Duchovny, Daniel Day-Lewis and Seth Rogen.
“I tried Don Cheadle and Samuel L. Jackson,” said Megan. “She told us he was a white guy, but Christ, who knows?”
At press time, Ross’ son Dylan was seen pulling DVDs out of his collection and pointing to faces.
Reached for comment, husband Donald Ross stated, “I don’t know what she’s talking about.”
