TOMMY’S PIZZA RESTAURANT – Saying it was “just a matter of time,” a local breadstick proclaimed that its status as an entrée was imminent.
“Look, Americans will eat anything and call it a meal, right? For fuck’s sake, they’ll drink a smoothie and say it’s lunch,” the breadstick said. “So for a guy like me, all crisp and golden-brown with five, count ’em five, sauce options – there’s just no question.”
The breadstick stressed that with the advent of novelties like bread twisters and cheesy bread, momentum was clearly in its favor.
“They’re twisting me, they’re throwing cheese on top, and sometimes I get pepperoni or bacon crumbs…oh yeah, this is happening,” it said. “Hell, shoot some mozzarella in me like a damn stuffed crust pizza or slather me with buffalo sauce and say I’m a ‘Five-Alarm Firepole.’ I don’t give a shit. Just know I’m ready for the big leagues.”
While the breadstick has garnered support from the cinnamon swirls and salad bar eggs, not everyone at Tommy’s Pizza Restaurant was eager to hear its boasts.
“He better back the fuck off,” a local, and visibly shaken, calzone said.
