We endorse the eating of pizza at all times, but that doesn’t mean there aren’t times when eating pizza could stretch our limits to function as a species.
Take the Little Casears Hot-N-Ready $5 Lunch Combo that is being touted all over the place, for example. For that price, you get four – FOUR – deep dish pizza slices (considered a “satisfying” portion), along with a 20-ounce Pepsi product. If you’re not trying to take a three-hour nap immediately after eating a lunch like that, then you’ve made a grave error in judgment.
Now, since four slices of pizza are involved, one could make the case that this is a lunch combo made for sharing. Wrong. With only one Pepsi product sold, it would appear that the entire aim of this lunch is to satisfy one morbid customer. Deep dish pizza is not something to be messed with, and eating this between the hours of 11 a.m. and 2 p.m. (when the promotion lasts) is asking for a miserable end to your day of work.
If you’re a teenager without a care in the world, sure, a $5 Lunch Combo sounds pretty great. But this is a promotion that is being marketed to real adults with real jobs, which is complete anarchy. These are people who will have to sit at their desks and think about what they’ve done when it’s all over and they’re staring at an empty, grease-stained box and Pepsi bottle.
And if you’re someone who buys this meal at 11 a.m. and eats it right away, may God have mercy on your soul. You’re staring at an almost unfathomable amount of time before you can leave the office. You’ll suffer through trying to focus on your computer screen as your eyes become heavier than they’ve ever felt before, the strength of your body sapped from trying to keep your eyelids propped open. You’ll be tortured during meetings, as the words your boss say float meaninglessly into the air. You’ll question if you’ll ever make it out of the situation alive.
There is a time and place to eat four slices of deep dish pizza, and it’s not at work. One or two, maybe, but who in their right mind stops eating when food is in front of him/her? Pizza is engineered to make us happy; please don’t put it in a position to fail.
