COLUMBUS, Ohio – A total of 99.57% of the haggis, neeps and tatties residing in Jonathan Carter’s stomach voted for independence this afternoon, according to a referendum commission as well as a local janitor.
Early counting had put the outcome of the ballot beyond doubt, indicating the traditional Scottish food has secured a mandate to be vomited into an office trashcan just hours after initial consumption.
“Right away, it was clear that this wasn’t going to be a fit,” said one correspondent. “Jonathan took one bite of that haggis and internal turmoil was immediately apparent.”
Scottish cuisine like haggis (made of sheep’s heart liver and lungs) has long had trouble finding an agreeable place to stay. However, just minutes after the Scottish food’s bid for independence, things have already begun to turn around.
Office janitor, Ron Wood said, “This ain’t the first time I’ve seen a a separation like this, but this is one of the cleaner breaks I’ve witnessed. I just wish it wasn’t me that always had to be the one to clean up the mess these votes can make.”
Reports indicate that the exiting of the Scottish food from Mr. Carter’s stomach has prompted a wave of support from a Welsh dish eaten the day before. Predictions for violent diarrhea later this evening are showing 75-25 in favor.
