Over time, mankind has come close to determining the source of all maleficence in our world. Throughout history there have been a plethora of contenders, including ideologies like colonization, capitalism or the feudal system; political figures like Adolf Hitler, Saddam Hussein, or Osama bin Laden; or even pop trends like leggings for pants, Ugg boots, or the Greek system.
Finally this century-long search has been put to rest. Our culprit has been found: gluten.
Not only is this protein composite hiding in some of the best carbohydrates known to man and is thus an immediate enemy to weight-watching women across the world, but it is also linked to almost every ailment we fear during our lifetime. Do you have digestive problems? Stop eating gluten. Are you afraid of getting Alzheimer’s one day? Don’t consume your favorite carbohydrate foods.
Don’t believe me? Watch a week’s worth of Dr. Oz episodes. He’ll mention it at least once, I promise. He’ll probably also suggest that you read the latest diet book on the subject, too (Not that that has anything to do with capitalism). All the middle-aged women in the audience will whole-heartedly agree with him.
I don’t mean to be a downer. The bright side of this is that when cutting gluten out of your diet you are not only dodging everything from obesity to cancer, but you’re also attaining the ultimate status of becoming a healthy-wealthy-I-don’t-eat-gluten person. Because, let’s face it, the only thing more status-inducing than shopping at Whole Foods is shopping at Whole Foods for your gluten-free diet (bonus points if you commute in your Prius or by bike).
