Cry, foe! Run amok! Fa awry! My wand won’t tolerate this nonsense.
— J.K. Rowling (@jk_rowling) October 6, 2014
Harry Potter fans far and wide had their panties in a knot over J.K. Rowling’s recent riddle tweet. Could this be an allusion to her upcoming film? Is it the secret key to figuring out why Hermione went for Ron over Harry? Is J.K. just once again milking that succulent HP teat?
Not long after the tweet was sent out, Rowling confirmed that one HP nerd got it right. Apparently the answer to the anagram riddle was, “Newt only meant to stay in New York for a few hours.” It’s a reference to Rowling’s Harry Potter spinoff series that is said to be a trilogy, but will likely span 13 movies. Whatever. Sounds like a cop-out if we ever heard one. The team here at Robot Butt knows Rowling is hiding the real meaning of her riddle and we’re out to find it.
Here are the ten most likely real meanings of the tweet:
1) Rowling now has more money than the royal family so her statement “wand won’t tolerate this nonsense” means she’s just decided to buy out the monarchy.
2) The Harry Potter series was just a big metaphor for her crippling hatred of the left-wing Jewmedia*.
3) J.K. has Ebola and is trying to break the news gently.
4) She is clearing the record once and for all that dystopian young adult fiction has nothing on Harry Potter.
5) It’s an announcement that all erotic Harry Potter fan fiction will now be considered canon.
6) She’s reminding us to “Make sure to drink your Ovaltine!”
7) The tweet actually translates to “Everyone stop being little bitches about Snape and Lily.”
8) J.K. literally has nothing to do and meant nothing by the tweet – she just wanted to stir things up out of boredom.
9) Harry Potter is now a hardened corporate boss and part of the 1%.
10) J.K. is trying to tell us that Voldemort is real and is holding her hostage.
*We’re sorry Jewmedia. We didn’t tweet it – J.K. Rowling did!