NEW YORK CITY – Citing the typical rut that comes with big-city living, King Kong – once the most feared monster in the country and, arguably, the world – now finds himself in a state of existential despair.
“What’s the point of all this anymore?” the gigantic ape said. “I terrorize a city full of 8.4 million people, but I’ve never felt more alone.”
Residents have remarked recently about the monster’s apathetic attitude, even as he empties entire buses full of screaming people into his mouth. Where the ape would once grunt in delight at those begging for mercy, he now devours New Yorkers with a cold, steeled stare, as if the city’s eternally claustrophobic, hopeless atmosphere may have finally broken him.
“I know what he’s going through,” Nathaniel Browner said. “I moved to Brooklyn five years ago, and I’ve been more soul-crushingly lonely and aware of my own impending death here than anywhere else I’ve ever been.”
King Kong knows he could simply move on to another city to try and overcome his debilitating sense of despair, but considers that nothing but a dangerous knee-jerk reaction.
“I might be depressed beyond any level I ever thought possible,” Kong said as he listlessly flicked off the heads of every person in a tour group into the Hudson River. “But this is New York, the capital of the world. This is my home.”
“I’ll never leave. This is just who I am now.”
The horrendous beast was last seen on a recent Sunday afternoon defecating into Yankee Stadium, his head buried in his lap, sobbing on his makeshift toilet bowl for most of the day.
