Heaven – While God’s children have been busy gearing up for the holiday season, the Creator Himself has been busy gearing up for a more profitable Heaven in 2015, once again making a tremendous sacrifice for our livelihoods.
Heaven will be going completely paperless, with electronic records, computerized processes and online billing to go into effect the first week of the upcoming year, God tells sources.
“It is bold to make such a big change after 4.54 billion years in business. But in order to maintain a competitive advantage over other rising deities, it is the only way to stay afloat,” God said, noting that the Bible printer in Heaven’s administrative board room has been running nonstop for 500 decades. “This just can’t be the way, the truth or the light.”
According to God, iPrayers will be administered to all children in Sunday school as part of the transition. Before, all prayers would be sent throughout God’s Kingdom on individual memos, a process that has grown to be quite cumbersome.
“My youngest disciples are the most progressive and the most open to technological advances,” says God. “I put my trust in them to spread the good word.”
The devices will allow all people to send a prayer to the heavens with the click of a button – a more efficient way to pray that doesn’t have to involve kneeling at the bedside, pausing to bow your head, or receiving uncomfortable stares in restaurants.
“Contrary to popular belief, I don’t know everything, but I’m positive this will make things more productive around here,” the creator of the universe said.
Although the idea has been in the making for years, it has been difficult to fully implement. At first the plan died in Limbo, doomed by everyone’s inability to find a middle ground for a compromise. Then, talks were sidelined indefinitely during the simultaneous planning of Heaven’s first official beach volleyball tournament for all of its residents, which proved to be a massive undertaking. But finally, about a year ago, the majority of angels, and then Jesus Himself, agreed to the proposal.
Unfortunately, money was never appropriated by Saint Matthew, the Patron saint of accountants, bankers, money managers, financial officers, security forces and more.
“I feared there could be a lot of backlash,” Saint Matthew explained. “Praying while driving poses a threat to those on the road, and the prayers may feel less intimate than the standard telepathic transmission.”
Despite these concerns, Saint Matthew eventually relented on the promise of big tax breaks for going green and God was able to secure funding, allowing practicing Christians to look forward to a more efficient religion in 2015.
