It’s Thanksgiving, which means you’re going to be in some pretty close quarters with a lot of family members. And with all the food and alcohol flowing this time of year, you, like any human, will be susceptible to unavoidable farts.
But you don’t have to worry yourself into oblivion that people will find out what you did. Here are some ways to successfully cover up that fart of yours:
- Constantly hover around the youngest and oldest of your party guests.
- The moment you feel a fart coming, start tapping the side of your glass to call for a toast. The tapping will cover the fart noise and the speaker’s long-winded speech will prevent people from commenting on the atrocious smell.
- Sew your butt shut.
- Blame it on Obamacare, just like your uncle does for everything else.
- Slip a fart machine under Grandma’s chair and turn it all the way up. Not only will everyone get a laugh at Grandma’s expense, but no one will notice your real farts.
- Sit on a cork.
Have Motorhead’s “Ace of Spades” play at a deafening volume on a continuous loop to drown out the sound of your farts.
- Bring out your flatscreen TV during dinner and show footage of a colonoscopy, telling everyone you got the new “Smell-O-Vision.”
- Slip laxatives into everyone else’s meals or drinks. That way, you might fart but everyone else will be in line for the toilets and won’t notice or care.
- Chain smoke cigarettes. The warm smell of cigarettes will cover the offending scent.
- Invest in a butt plug.
- Cover it up with the sounds of you actually shitting your pants.
- Have a friend surgically remove your colon prior to dinner.
- Preemptively sit on your trusty fart pillow, which hasn’t failed yet to silence your farts. Plus, you look taller, so you won’t get nagged for slouching at the dinner table.
- Try not being such a disgusting human being.
- Focus on leaning in your chair both to the right and the left side at the same time.
- Just when you feel the fart coming, switch the topic to religion, politics or everyone’s current salary. The yelling will cover up any noise coming from under the table.
- Leave your parents and siblings behind and go have Thanksgiving with a family that isn’t so pretentious as to discourage farts. It’s 2014, man.
- Whip up some hard-boiled eggs.
- To cover the smell, burn a festive candle near your seat. To cover the sound, deafen every guest with long knitting needles.
- Have your Thanksgiving at Denny’s. No one will notice your farts over the stench of despair.
- Simply burn down your family estate and forgo having Thanksgiving and a family.