THE NORTH POLE – In a statement released by The North Pole Council Thursday, Santa Claus has decided against eating Cindy Watterson’s horrendous cookies again this year.
“Mr. Claus is no longer going to be giving Cindy’s cookies a chance,” the Council said through a statement distributed to all North Pole residents and parents’ email accounts around the world. “Frankly, he’s already given her far too many chances that have cut into his Christmas Eve productivity.”
According to the document, the seven-year-old girl from Massachusetts insisted on making the cookies herself for Santa with no interference from her own mother, Susan, other than to simply put them in the oven. Sources have noted that Cindy’s mother actively stresses an environment where her daughter can explore her creativity any way she likes, which has led to the situation in which the young girl now finds herself.
“Mrs. Watterson is highly at fault for allowing her child to disrespect Santa in such a way,” the statement continued. “Thus, we unfortunately have to provide Cindy with the realization that her actions in life will no doubt have consequences.”
While Santa Claus originally considered the traditional lump of coal for Cindy in 2014 (her haul of presents has been reduced instead), he is choosing to utilize this as a global warning, as he has dealt with generations of cheap knock-off cookies, burnt cookies, cookies haphazardly baked with jelly beans and other sickening variations from children all over.
“While I understand little Cindy’s heart was in the right place,” Santa said in the statement. “That doesn’t diminish how truly despicable her cookies were over the past few years. Let this message serve to all parents in the world: I am taking my cookies and milk far more seriously than I have in the past.”
The North Pole Council, which is the governing body of the North Pole and led by a group of elected elf officials, also passed a resolution that all children who set out gluten-free options for Santa risk eternal placement on the Naughty List.
