Salt Lake City, UT – Little more than a week after Walmart’s “Bigger & Blacker Black Friday” started, peace has finally returned to Salt Lake City after moderation from the United Nations.
The event officially ended on Saturday, December 6th. That was when store manager Chad Wellmington finally disabled the booby traps and opened the doors, permitting customers to finally leave the store and experience daylight. However, none of the customers took this opportunity, instead continuing their tribal wars for control of the outrageously low prices.
“We fully expected everyone to come pouring out when they got the chance,” Police Chief Anthony Mercer said. “But apparently they weren’t done shopping.”
As the violence continued, the United Nations stepped in to moderate peace talks between the warring tribes. After laborious negotiations that made little headway towards the initial desired conclusion, it was decided that the Salt Lake City Walmart would become its own sovereign country, with the different tribes becoming states within the new republic.
Lakhdar Brahimi, the UN mediator who undertook this important mission, said he feels they reached the “best possible solution,” considering so much of the infighting stemmed from how many bed sheets each customer could get for the absurdly low price of $2.99.
Under the agreement, each tribe would elect its own leader to serve on the Walmart Council. The council would consist of the five leaders, as well as Stan the Greeter, who was unanimously chosen to act as an impartial moderator.
“This is a wonderful opportunity,” Stan said. “I just love Walmart so much and now I never have to leave. Never…leave…”
Wellmington was also pleased with the outcome. “It got pretty intense for a while, and we haven’t even begun to figure out the number of casualties, but we definitely made record profits, so it all worked out. I can’t wait for next year.”
