In the cereal world these days, it seems that all brands are required to have a chocolate variation of some kind, no matter what kind of cereal the original offering is. And as a cereal consumer, it doesn’t matter if it feels wrong, like it goes against every fiber of your being to eat a chocolatized version of your favorite cereal; this is just the world in which we currently live. Kids especially want their chocolate for breakfast, and you best believe they’re going to get it.
You might as well join the party.
This is the conclusion I came to while standing in the cereal aisle recently, my eyes fixated on something I had never seen before. Right before me was a bastardized monstrosity resembling a cereal I’ve loved forever. I looked all around me to see if it was some sort of joke, and to make sure I was actually experiencing reality.
“This can’t be happening,” I told myself. “This…this is wrong.”
But something inside of me told me to reach out and touch the box. Sure enough, it felt as real as each breath I took, each one heavier than the last. This was no dream; what I saw was all too real.
It was a box of Chocolate Lucky Charms. Allegedly around since 2005, this was the first time I ever saw them, this horrendous creation made to spite God. Still, it was like I was finally chosen to experience the cereal for myself.
Lucky the Leprechaun was on the front as one would expect, but he looked mentally unhinged, like he finally realized what kind of power he was now wielding and it had all gone straight to his head. I had no idea what kind of things Lucky could do with such tremendous power that was obviously going unchecked, but I wanted to find out. I bought a box and went home, trembling with fear and excitement for what was to come.
It came as no surprise that Chocolate Lucky Charms are delicious. So delicious that they make regular Lucky Charms taste like hot garbage that exist to do nothing but soil your mouth. The marshmallows and chocolate together, their union felt sensual and intimate. I was simply grateful to be a part of it.
But you won’t be able to resist eating the entire box in one sitting. You’ll read the nutrition facts and fully understand that what you’re doing is wrong, but it won’t make a difference. You’ll make peace with your god and forge ahead, pouring everything you can into the biggest bowl you can find.
And quicker than you can possibly imagine, the Chocolate Lucky Charms will be out of your life again. So fast you’ll begin to wonder anew if maybe, just maybe, you really were dreaming the entire time. Maybe you’ve been dreaming for years. Maybe nothing you’ve experienced in your life has been real – who’s to say?
These are the things Chocolate Lucky Charms will do to you. This truly perverse cereal is a crime against nature and by all accounts should have no business existing. But it is a delicious crime against nature, and we should all be willing to die for it.
