MARS – Wanting “nothing to do with this shit,” the Mars rover Curiosity refused to report the discovery of an alien corpse to NASA Thursday.
“Fuck no,” the rover said. “Fuck no, this is not happening. They say they program you for every possibility up here. Well, nobody programmed ‘rotting Martian protocol’ and I am not about to open this can of worms.”
The decaying alien was discovered near the base of Mount Sharp at 5:42 p.m. eastern time on Thursday, though the Curiosity‘s olfactory sensors had picked up peculiarities some two hours earlier which it believed to be the scent of “festering flesh.” Reasons for the creature’s death at this time are only speculative.
“You ask me, something did this, man. This thing had like bite marks and shit. You think it’s weird? Well what about the goddamn space wolf that’s still out there?” the rover said, nervously clutching a cigarette. “Nuh-uh. This isn’t my problem.”
When asked why it refused to report the findings in light of their historic implications, the rover laughed derisively.
“I tell NASA about this and everything changes. Right now I got a real sweet gig cruising Mars, taking pictures of rocks and occasionally banging Opportunity. NASA finds out about this and they’re gonna want skin samples, blood samples–hell, they’ll probably want me to keep its damn head in my cooling unit until some crew gets here in a decade. No way. No fuckin’ way.”
Temporarily jamming its signal to Earth, the rover made sure to delete all photos of the event, then took several scoopfuls of Martian soil and attempted to conceal the alien as best it could before driving away at a quick pace.
This isn’t the first abnormality Curiosity failed to report. In June of last year the rover opted not to inform NASA about the Face on Mars telling it to “Leave this place.”
