For some reason, the University of Akron is thinking about changing its name. Officially, the school says the new name would “reflect its unique strengths in polytechnical and professional fields, along with career-focused applied learning.” But really, I’m pretty sure they’d name the school just about anything if a high-enough bidder came along to claim it.
This is how Dingleberry University will come into existence.
If there’s one thing universities love, it’s free money from an outside source. People are getting buildings named after them all the time, so how hard can it be to buy the name of an entire university already looking to change? Knowing that the higher-ups would run to the money like pigs to a trough, I say we start up a collection and try to build up enough of a fund that they have no choice but to accept the offer and immediately start drawing up the necessary logos and artwork that will perfectly encapsulate the spirit of Dingleberry University.
What will it take, $100 million? $200 million? That sure would help a whole bunch of currently underfunded programs, wouldn’t it? Remember back in 2013, when that elderly woman in Florida won the $590 million Powerball and took home a lump sum of $370.8 million? Even though that was a pre-tax amount, I guarantee she could get the naming rights to anything she wanted, including a valued academic institution.
Dingleberry University could absolutely happen, people. We just have to pool our resources and forge ahead on the unbreakable notion that money buys anything and everything. Plus, I already have a school fight song in the works:
We are the dingleberries and we’re proud,
Come into our house and we’ll get loud!
You know dingleberries fight, fight, fight,
Our defense will cling to you all night, night, night!
