BOSTON – In response to serious allegations by his father and mother, 14-year-old Aaron Seymour held a press conference earlier today claiming in no uncertain terms that he would never turn out anything like his parents.
“They are just lame hypocrites,” Seymour said. “They act like they’re so perfect and never do anything wrong, and then slam me for everything that I do. When I have kids, I’ll never be like that. I’ll be different.”
Seymour also cited his parents’ inability to balance a budget as a source of woes for the household. While he maintained he would do a better job and always make sure there was enough money to go to the movies on Fridays, he was unable to articulate any specifics as to what he would do differently.
“I’ll also never compromise on fun,” he said. “I’ll do whatever I want to do and no one will be able to tell me otherwise. I’ll have Funyuns and Mountain Dew for dinner. I’ll stay up until five a.m. playing Halo. It will just be all the good things all the time.”
Seymour’s parents were also criticized for their awkward attempts to seem relatable. “They’re always acting like they ‘get it,'” he said. “Like they know what you’re going through. But they have been so far removed from being a kid that they can’t possibly know what it’s really like.”
Seymour made the declaration that he will never act or pretend he is anything other than who he is, aside from that one time he pretended to like Mumford and Sons so Monica from third period would think he was cool.
Despite Seymour’s categorical denial, not everyone is convinced he will be any different than his parents.
“He can act like a rebel all he wants,” said Seymour’s paternal grandfather. “But we all know it’s just an act. His father acted the same way, and I acted the same way before that. But once you actually get to parenthood, you find that you need to make compromises.”
For his part, Seymour is not listening to the naysayers. He is sticking to his message of being an iconoclast who will never sell out to larger interests, like having a career and dealing with banks.
After the press conference, Seymour left for his own quarters. He passed his father watching Three’s Company reruns in the living room, rolled his eyes, and proceeded upstairs to watch The Big Bang Theory on his computer.
