OKLAHOMA CITY – Despite early predictions, a rock-hard boner tragically went unused late Monday night. Baffling locals, the waste of the good, hard rod comes as no surprise to researchers of national chubby trends.
A recent report by the John Hopkins Center for Stiffy Studies found that 98% of the U.S. hard-on supply is lost each year, mainly from consumer waste. The findings, first published in the November issue of The Boner Journal, come as woody waste has been the spotlight of concerns about an overall decrease in national good-time levels.
Boner supplies have remained steady for decades, but with the introduction of easy-access entertainment like Netflix and social media, there has been a dramatic nationwide drop in the urgency to satisfy long, hard third legs.
While many consider this a supply side issue, pointing to antiquated government programs like the Boner Subsidy Act of 1973 as a main cause of overproduction, lead researcher Alex Baker disagrees, pointing to a culture of waste as the predominate issue.
“We’ve always considered boners a green and renewable resource and they’ve long been a major U.S. export. But with an ever-growing consumer culture, we’ve seen some egregious waste,” Baker said.
“Sadly, until demands increase, we’re encouraging producers to cut back drastically on production of all chubbies, stiffies and throbbing steel rods.”
