SEATTLE – During a meeting with executive board members Tuesday to discuss 2016 budget plans, Southern Trinity Hospital CEO Dayton Moore introduced a new strategy to replace all human resources staff with automated Downsizatrons.
According to sources in attendance, Moore described the decision as both obvious and necessary, and said there is truly no way to justify continuing to pay human salaries when a robot could be just as capable, heartless and cold.
“It’s not hard to cut medical plans, drastically reduce other benefits, fire family breadwinners and guard the supply cabinet,” Moore said. “There is no reason to continue having a staff perform these tasks when a robot will do them for free.”
Moore went on to state that the legal benefits are also a key consideration, admitting that, although the hospital does not condone discriminatory practices, the Downsizatrons are programmed to explore white men under 40 for all employment and promotion opportunities.
“Robots aren’t subject to the same civil rights laws as humans, Moore said. “What is someone going to do, sue a pile of metal for being discriminatory? Doubt it.”
In initial tests of the Downsizatrons, results have shown that people respond to crushing career-related news much more favorably when it’s being delivered by a machine. However, safeguards will be in place for more difficult interactions.
“The robot will simply operate on a sensor; any time it senses motion within a fifteen-foot radius, it will recite ‘You’re fired’ over and over until it registers the sound of someone crying or desperate pleading,” Moore said. “After twenty minutes, the Downsizatron will administer a powerful tranquilizer and we’ll be able to remove the former employee from the premises, free of any severance package obligations.”
