HEAVEN – Saying he feels “pretty torn up about the whole thing,” God admitted today that Thanksgiving “bums him out” each year due to his part in the holiday’s mass slaughtering of turkeys.
“Look, I know it’s a festival of togetherness,” God said. “And of course there’s going to be a feast, but 46 million killed a year for one day – and that’s just in the United States – I…I can’t just wash my hands of it.”
Pressed for details about why he feels so responsible, God said turkeys’ “flightlessness,” “plump, inviting size,” and “Goddamn deliciousness” made them irresistible for man to resist consuming in high quantities.
“Cows got horns and hooves, pigs are vicious little bastards out in the wild, and chickens can peck the hell out of you,” God said. “But what have turkeys got? A deflated scrotum and a call that makes them sound like Beaker from the Muppets. I should have at least given them like a stink gland or something.”
With no end in sight for Thanksgiving celebrations, God said he expects the holiday “will always be a struggle” for him, before biting into a large drumstick and declaring “Christ, that’s good.”
