WASHINGTON – According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, fewer Americans are using tobaccy than at any point in over a century. This confirms a report by The Economist this year which showed sales of both smoking and smokeless tobaccy steadily declining.
With the advent of electronic cigarettes and nicotine patches, along with more and more people choosing tobaccy’s chief rival tobacco as their drug of choice, tobaccy has seen a significant decline in popularity.
“It’s sad,” said one local prospector. “I remember when you could go in the five-and-dime and get some good chaw tobaccy, but it looks like those days are all but gone.”
This news comes as no surprise to the tobaccy industry, which in the last few years has made a concerted effort to draw more customers through celebrity endorsements, including print ads featuring Jeff Foxworthy, Kid Rock, Kevin Federline and the cast of Here Comes Honey Boo Boo. Sales, though, have continued to drop to the dismay of many in the industry.
“Tobaccy’s part of the American way of life,” said Blue Star Tobaccy president “Gummy Tooth” Stiggins. “My great-grandpappy founded this business and I ain’t lettin’ nothin’ tear it down. I still got a few tricks up my sleeve.”
Stiggins is referring to the recent public acceptance of marijuana, and how THC-infused “wacky tobaccy” has seen an impressive spike.
“Used to be only the longhairs and immigrants went for that stuff,” Stiggins said. “But if y’all want to be degenerates, fine, I’ll sell you the stuff.”
