OAK BROOK, Ill. – Firmly aware of its declining sales and waning popularity among consumers, McDonald’s has decided to embrace its now-villainous reputation by unveiling a new burger called the McWidowmaker.
“We like to think of this as our true heel turn,” McDonald’s CEO Steve Easterbook said. “We’re not here to appease all of you people anymore. We want the adventurers looking to test God’s 
will by eating a burger.”
Coming in at 14,376 calories and weighing twelve pounds, those who order the McWidowmaker will have to fight every physical and mental urge to stop eating in order to complete the burger. Adding to the experience, no patron – including anyone else in the restaurant at the time of the order – will be allowed to leave or be in contact with family members until the McWidowmaker, along with the mandatory tray of fries and Shamrock Shake that come with the meal, is gone.
Those eating the McWidowmaker will also be constantly chastised and belittled by the company’s newest mascot, Grimace the Life Taker.
“We’ve always sold McDonald’s as a true dining experience; now we’re selling it as a life-or-death thrill ride,” Easterbrook said, as he adjusted the executioner’s hood on his Grimace the Life Taker costume. “So here you go. Let’s see what you’ve got.”
