NEW YORK – Surprising news out of the Donald Trump camp today revealed that the business mogul and controversial presidential candidate is nothing more than a sack of mutant-sized potatoes filled with bugs. Sources close to the campaign confirm that the misshapen, leathery trainwreck that constantly spews a vile stream of nonsense is in fact a crudely sewn sack of bug-infested potatoes, housing approximately 300 unique species of insect.
Voter reaction has been varied. “Oh yeah, that totally makes sense now,” said Michael Brewster of Bethlehem, Pennsylvania. “Before it was like, ‘How in God’s name could this be happening?’ But now that I know it’s a pile of burlap teeming with evil little bugs, the whole thing makes a lot more sense.”
“Here we go again with the Trump-hating media,” commented Pam Truly from Dayton, Ohio. “You know what? I think that festering pile of moldy potatoes writhing with vermin is going to make America great again.”
“Trump is exactly what our country needs,” Truly continued. “When he speaks, it’s the truth coming out of his mouth. Well, the truth and some water bugs. BUT I WOULD RATHER VOTE FOR A WATER BUG THAN MARCO RUBIO!”
Trump himself could not be reached for comment, but he did send a bunch of those creepy little centipedes that disappear right before you can kill them, keeping you up all night because they’re probably crawling on your face.
At press time, it has not been confirmed whether or not John Kasich is a pile of dirty laundry someone left on top of a washer.
