TOKYO – Responding to a sudden increase in global demand, Japanese Minister of Culture Hiroshi Hase announced at a press conference Tuesday that bizarre sexual fetishes, the country’s largest natural resource, are finally running low.
The announcement comes just weeks after Google began providing free internet to developing nations in an effort to increase public education. Unfortunately, this project, originally designed to increase access to educational resources for the world’s poorest populations, has instead led to an unprecedented increase in demand for new and bizarre internet pornography.
The Japanese Ministry of Culture has publicly declared that it expected to run out of fetishes by the year 2021, but estimates couldn’t account for the surge from countries like Libya, Sudan, and even Cuba.
“We knew this day would come. What started with simple things like cartoon women or autoerotic asphyxiation branched into bigger and better things, like formicophilia or salirophilia,” Hase said, as reporters frantically Googled those terms.
Pornography lovers have taken the news with a bit more difficulty. “Man, that’s a bummer,” said Derek Barnes, a CVS manager in Tuscaloosa, Alabama. “The Japanese had a really good run with videos where blurred-out penises were put into balls of cat hair while women played with themselves. I guess they’re just out of ideas. It’s up to the Germans now.”
Hase continued, “We’ve always been an industry leader when it comes to finding sexual thrill from unusual human-like things. But we are no longer ahead. We are now as erotic as an electric eel shocking a woman-” at which point he sprinted off stage.
