GREENVILLE, N.C. – The long simmering Thermostat War that has been raging in the Becker household over the past two months has taken a turn, as a hostage situation has developed over the settings of the home’s air conditioning unit.
The conflict began in earnest in early May, as George Becker and his wife Megan began butting heads over how cool to keep their two-story residence. George prefers a cool environment at 67 degrees Fahrenheit while Megan, worried about the costs of running the AC at full blast with their tight budget, began fighting for 78 degrees.
Megan struck an early advantage by enlisting her mother, who has been staying with the family, as the aging woman requires warmer environments to alleviate the “pain of irrelevancy.” She also enlisted her six-year-old daughter, Madeline, to her cause by promising her all the Dollar Store freeze pops she could want.
George was able to keep his wife and her coalition at bay for the first month of the conflict thanks to the assistance of his 14-year-old son Trevor. Trevor joined the Cold Crusade early, as a colder room is preferable during his furious masturbation sessions. However, Trevor betrayed George the first weekend in June and switched allegiance to Megan after she promised to extend his curfew to 1 a.m. on the weekends.
With the family all against him, George became more and more desperate, leading to today’s breakthrough. With no allies left, George took Madeline’s favorite doll, Orville Orangutan, hostage at Nerfpoint. Currently, he and the doll are stationed in front of the AC control unit, keeping the rest of the family at bay with threats of violence against Orville should anyone attempt to change the temperature.
This new tension has caused a great deal of distress among the rest of the Becker family. Unable to talk George down herself, Megan has reached out to local law enforcement for assistance. As of this writing, a SWAT team had surrounded the residence with three sniper rifles trained on George through the living room window.
