WASHINGTON – At least 24 people died last night at a local Do-It-Yourself concert venue, labeled a “safe space” by the proprietors, due to a combination of heat exhaustion and the ensuing panic caused by the fainting of those in attendance.
“A few years ago we moved to the area and had always heard about the ‘house shows’ in DC, so we decided to open up a space for local bands to play in our house,” said Erin Lampley, tenant at the house venue known colloquially as ‘Fuck Cops We Out.’ “We wanted to give the bands and those who attend a safe space to enjoy music, where they won’t feel threatened by anyone or anything. If only we had air conditioning in the basement.”
Among the victims of the underground sweatbox, bearing a striking resemblance to “the hole” that probably appeared in every prison in the American South pre-1975, was the lead singer of local band Chain Lightning, Chad Chezwick. Reportedly, Chezwick was halfway through his second lecture on why spaces like this are so important to the community when he collapsed, starting a chain reaction of panic and hysteria, which led to many people being crushed as they tried to exit through the three-foot-by-four-foot hole considered to be the venue’s only door.
“I once read about a sauna contest,” said one of the event’s attendees, who declined to give their name. “I feel like I could handle that now.”
