PHILADELPHIA – Fresh on the heels of a hellish Republican National Convention in which delegates staged walk-outs, a speaker performed a Nazi salute, and the party’s secondary candidate refused to endorse the actual presidential candidate, the Democratic National Committee has put to rest the notion it has been lobbed a softball with its new “Don’t Worry, We’ll Still Fuck This Up” theme.
“Get a load of this,” said an unnamed source with strong ties to the DNC. “The chief of the whole thing had to step down before it even started and we have three more days to top that.”
With chaos swirling amid a leaked email exchange that showed the Democratic party conspiring to hold back a surging Bernie Sanders, the Democratic National Convention is shaping up to be a “goddamn mess,” according to Barbara Boxer, a senator from California. “The new slogan really captures that ‘cow-on-the-traintracks’ feeling of total fucking disaster.”
“Remember in 2008 when the entire country hated Bush? He’d been dragging us through the war in Iraq, Islamophobia was rampant because everything related to 9/11 was in Bush’s presidency, the economy was taking a dive, and everything was going wrong,” said Chris Murphy (D-Connecticut). “All we had to do as a party was nominate a piece of cardboard and it was gonna be a landslide. Instead we went ahead and chose a guy with ‘Hussein’ as a middle name.”
“Well, we’re gonna top that this year.”
Many pundits are speculating that the Democrats will pull out all the stops this week, from bumping speakers who were guaranteed time to speak and mispronouncing names of global leaders to making eye-rolling jokes about pop culture.
“Yeah, dumb things that your ‘cool’ uncle would try to do,” said another unnamed source. “Not quite like banning Muslims and openly hating women and all minorities, but it’ll somehow have the same effect.”
