CLEVELAND – After being in a coma for the past 61 years, lifelong Republican and avid Dwight D. Eisenhower supporter Howard Wilson awoke just in time last month to take part in his party’s national convention. Wilson, who entered the coma at the age of 32, was initially excited to see how far his party had come over the decades.
“I figured we’d have an incredible highway infrastructure system, but so far I’ve hit 20 pot holes on the way to the venue,” he said. “You’re telling me it was the Republicans who cut funding for that? Next you’ll tell me we put all that money toward building a military-industrial complex!”
Wilson was taken downtown in order partake in the convention and learn about Republican nominee Donald Trump. After assuming that Trump had a background in the military or public service, Wilson was informed Trump was actually a reality TV star, which after having had the concept of reality TV explained to him, caused him to momentarily experience shortness of breath.
As he continued to walk downtown, Wilson came across a group of Republican supporters carrying AR-15s. “They can just carry those around in public? Why do they need them? Can they not hit a target with one shot?”
Determined to get a handle on the current movement, Wilson asked Trump supporters why they have decided to vote for him. “He’s going to make America great again!” one shouted at him. When Wilson asked how, the supporter explained “Because he’s a winner!” When Wilson asked what Trump had won, the supporter began shrieking and waving his arms in a circular motion.
Needing to take a seat on a bench in Public Square, Wilson lamented the state of everything he saw around him. “This is not the party I knew. This is a bunch of overemotional cowards looking out only for themselves and not the country as a whole. I am ashamed it has come to this.”
“But as long as the blacks still can’t marry whites, I guess things will be okay,” he added.
