RIO DE JANEIRO – Citing potential health concerns, unpredictable crime and the overall unpleasant outlook of the city of Rio, the ISIS agent tasked with carrying out an attack on the 2016 Olympics decided to take a pass.
“I want to further the caliphate’s cause and give my life to bring down the evils of Western society as much as the next terrorist,” said the agent who requested that his identity not be revealed. “But I just looked at everything happening in Rio and thought, ‘Maybe I’ll take the next one.'”
The agent makes it clear that he is perfectly willing to die for his cause. He merely prefers that the mission be in a locale that doesn’t force him to spend his final moments constantly applying bug spray or avoiding rotten sewage.
“When I go to meet Allah, I really want it to mean something,” the ISIS fighter continued. “Attacking Rio right now would be like Michael Phelps competing in the Special Olympics. You’ll get the job done, but there’s really no fun in it.”
