October is finally here, and in addition to pumpkin-spiced everything and autumnal scented candles, that means it’s time to figure out a Halloween costume. And don’t pretend you’re too old for it. Whether you’re trick-or-treating, answering the door for kids, or heading out on the town with your friends, a costume is always appropriate in any situation. And these, in October 2016, are better than the rest.
Colin Kaepernick
Let’s start off with a bang, shall we? No matter how you feel about the quarterback’s recent protests of the national anthem, one thing we can all agree on is how much fun it is to make our opinions known about the protests. Dressing up like Kaepernick for Halloween will provide hours of intelligent discourse no matter where you go!
Miley Cyrus
If you don’t happen to watch The Voice, just take a look at this premiere recap. I don’t know what on Earth the pop star was wearing, but I do know that taking a jean jacket, splotching it with glue, and rolling around in a flower garden would be a nice way to save costs on your costume this year.
Ted Cruz
Yeah, yeah, everyone is going with Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton costumes, and I’m sure they’ll all just be hilarious. But do you know what’s easier? A Ted Cruz costume. That’s because all you need to do is buy any human mask and put it in the microwave for about 45 seconds and watch it melt into a permanently warped smile/scream to simulate the likeness of the Texas senator and former presidential candidate. Then all you need to do is give a single speech at your Halloween party. If you incorporate Cruz’s signature dramatic pauses, it should last the entire night.
Ryan Lochte
Bleach your hair like an idiot and act like an even bigger idiot. Plus, you’ll win any bar’s costume contest if you start peeing on the dance floor with your buddies and then abandon them there.
Ghost Rider
Why embrace exciting new Marvel roles like Luke Cage or Doctor Strange when you could instead tie yourself to the Nic Cage of superheroes? Seriously, Cage played this flaming skull-in-a-cloak years ago (twice!), and no one remembers. Yet the character is the subject of its own slot machine, where you can get a taste for the sinister thrills of the world’s most absurd antihero. Rock music, flames, motorcycles and the like adorn the slot reel, capturing the spirit of the film – but sadly, not Cage’s growing insanity – as you spin the wheel and hope for a jackpot. Then again, you could also get a taste for the character on Agents Of S.H.I.E.L.D., where he was recently rebooted. Either way, the key is to light your head on fire (erm, not literally) and overact all night.
Patamon
Who’s Patamon? Good one…like you really don’t know. Digimon are all the rage right now, so much so that no one even remembers that other similar game from the ’90s. Even if Patamon isn’t your cup of coffee, a quick refresher on some of the best Digimon of all time ought to give you some pretty cool Halloween ideas. If you want to be a little more Halloween-y, you could always go for the artfully named skeletal dragon beast Skullgreymon, and if you just want to weird people out, Wizardmon is always an option. Just make sure you don’t miss out on this blisteringly hot trend!
A Big Green Player
This one might be a little bit specific, but the kid from The Big Green and The Sandlot is popping up in commercials lately, and that gives you a great reason to throw on a Big Green uniform this Halloween. If you don’t know who or what I’m talking about, I don’t want you reading my words anyway. Incidentally, the actor Patrick Renna still looks like he’s 13.
Martin O’Malley
Dressing up as the Maryland governor and former presidential candidate pretty much entails wearing a power suit with a bright blue tie. But as an alternative, you could just stay home while everyone else participates in the holiday.
Pumpkin Spice
This one’s just for the ladies. Here’s what you do: dress up like a Spice Girl and then wear a pumpkin hat. If you can manage to make yourself worth hundreds of millions of dollars, even better!