The GOP has really done it this time. Out of the many candidates to choose from, they managed to find the least-qualified of the bunch, and now it’s far too late to dump Trump and change his name on each state’s ballots. Or is it? By nominating a far more qualified candidate who happens to have the same first name, you could make the shift without causing too much voter confusion. Here are a few options.
Donnie Wahlberg
Does Donnie have the “right stuff” to make it as commander-in-chief? We all know that the best presidents are former actors, and he definitely has the embarrassing past and rowdy family that make for a good candidate. Running on the “my wife thinks vaccines cause autism” platform, he has no plan for the American people, but at least he probably doesn’t think Mexican immigrants are rapists and criminals, and is relatively easy to look at.
Donald II of Scotland
Sure, he died in 900 AD and was known as “The Madman” in his time, but nobody’s perfect and the good news is that he has the experience of leading an entire country. We don’t know much else about old Donnie II, but we can safely assume that he never described global warming as a hoax invented by the Chinese, or congratulated himself for predicting that horrific occurrences like mass shootings would befall his citizens.
Don the Laundromat Guy
Like Donnie II, we don’t know much about Don, the guy who runs the laundromat near my house, but he has a leg up on Donnie II and Donnie Wahlberg by both being alive and running a successful business that has yet to file for bankruptcy. I also have it on good authority that he can fold a fitted sheet and hasn’t outsourced any of his business to China or Bangladesh or regularly called any of the women in his immediate vicinity pigs, slobs or fat.
Donald Duck
Sure, he’s a fictional, animated, anthropomorphic duck, but who doesn’t love an underduck? Hehe. Personality is key in this election, and Donald certainly has plenty of that. Always temperamental and ready to pick a fight, Donald is far from ready to be a diplomat and knows nothing about foreign policy, but at least he hasn’t insulted entire religious groups and vowed to refuse to allow them asylum. He has never been known to advocate for committing war crimes and is well-liked by most Americans, a feat he has accomplished without managing to resort to lying, bigotry, tax evasion, misogyny and general douchebaggery.
