CLEVELAND – Die-hard Cleveland sports fan Renee Jones said today that she is content with the new reality we most assuredly find ourselves in and hopes that we will not jump universes again until at least the end of the month.
“Whether it is some kind of new simulation program being tried out, alien brainwashing, a deity of some kind’s wrath or simply a dream,” said Jones, “I’m in for the ride.”
Jones said she knew things were fishy when the Cavaliers won the championship in June (ending the city’s 52-year sports championship drought), started to become suspicious when the Indians swept the Red Sox earlier this month and, with the Indians reaching the World Series, is now downright convinced that at least she now inhabits a new, improved reality.
“I have watched every single Indians postseason game with Renee this year, and she’s been going on and on about this new theory of hers,” said longtime friend and Cleveland sports supporter Jennifer Burkart. “Then Trevor Bauer’s finger bled like a stuck pig on national television. Renee just said ‘doesn’t matter, they’ll still win the game.’ That’s when I was convinced she’s right.”
“I’m one hundred percent convinced we’re no longer in control of our destiny and I couldn’t be happier. Yesterday I flipped a coin just to see what would happen, and it landed on the edge – the edge!”
When asked if Jones believes the Cleveland Browns’ current losing streak might be a wrinkle in her hypothesis, Jones responded that the Browns doing well would just be too obvious, too outlandish, and would raise too much suspicion.
