WASHINGTON – Continuing the time-honored seasonal tradition, President Obama issued his eighth Halloween pardon today, selecting serial murderer and cannibal Leatherface for the honor.
“Halloween is a day where we celebrate the macabre, the vile, the repugnant – and they don’t get more repugnant than this big guy,” Obama said, before adding, “I mean look at this!” pointing to a viscous, black fluid oozing from Leatherface’s chest.
As the recipient of this year’s pardon, Leatherface, born Jedidiah Sawyer, will be federally absolved of all past and future crimes, including those related to “kidnapping, attempted and premeditated murder, cannibalism, and felonious chainsawing.” The pardon additionally extends to the immediate Sawyer family.
In prepared remarks for the event, President Obama spoke to the worthiness of the Sawyer family for the 2016 pardon, noting their “continued influence on the cinematic horror landscape,” and ending his speech with, “Come on, those kids had no business being there in the first place.”
Upon formally receiving the pardon, Leatherface celebrated with a series of whoops, howls, and gyrations while brandishing his running chainsaw, before striking a White House stenographer with a meat mallet.
The Sawyer family joins a long list of bloodthirsty killers and creatures who have received a federal pardon, with past recipients including Pinhead, the Xenomorph, a container of The Stuff, and Blacula. The popular Halloween tradition originated in 1980 when Jimmy Carter felt compelled to issue the first pardon to the Creature from the Black Lagoon after it and Amy Carter began dating.
