NEW YORK – Following an election season which defied all expert predictions, real estate mogul Donald Trump was named President-elect of the United States, immediately sending shockwaves of fear and revulsion throughout Donald Trump.
“What?” Trump said. “No. No, no, no.”
The unexpected result comes after months of Trump’s efforts to further build up his global brand and “play a goof” on decades-long associate Hillary Clinton. Sources close to Mr. Trump state that quickly after the final tally was announced at his watch party, the candidate turned to his wife, Melania, and said, “But she’s way better.” Mrs. Trump is reported to have nodded in agreement.
While the atmosphere within Trump Tower was categorically jubilant, purportedly the mood of Donald Trump’s inner circle was altogether different. Reports indicate that at approximately 1 a.m. Mr. Trump shouted, “Come on, you can’t call no take-backsies!” before endlessly repeating, “I didn’t mean it, guys. I’m real sorry,” until a subdued Ben Carson took Trump into his arms.
One campaign staffer has even come forward to claim that Mr. Trump composed a tweet reading “I just wanted to feel like a big man. Pick her,” before having his iPhone pried away from his hands.
Mr. Trump joins the likes of Thomas Jefferson, Abraham Lincoln, and Franklin Roosevelt as holder of a job regularly labeled “Leader of the Free World.”
