CHANGSHA, China – It is an exciting time at the Shiyanhu Ecological Tourism Park in China’s Hunan province, home to a psychic monkey named Geda who accurately predicted Donald Trump’s win in the 2016 U.S. election.
Geda, an esteemed macaque who began his career in fauna foresight by correctly predicting soccer wins, sealed his title as simian soothsayer by accurately predicting Portugal would win the 2016 European football championship.
He is congratulated by his fellow psychic animal oracles, including a clairvoyant Indian goldfish named Chanakya III, Amish rodent Punxsutawney Phil and a Swiss guinea pig named Madame Shiva. Notably absent from his prediction party was a disgraced squirrel named Gnocchi who put his nuts on Mitt Romney as the winner of the 2012 election. Gnocchi has since been extricated from the elite community of animal psychics, along with Shaheen the Camel who has been known to spit and bite during her predictions. Such a nasty camel.
Geda, decked out in a mustard yellow t-shirt and a small caucus of fleas, eschewed the life-size cutout of Hillary Clinton, racing up to Donald Trump’s permanently pursed cardboard lips and planting an aggressive kiss. “Just kiss. I don’t even wait. And when you’re a star, they let you do it. You can do anything,” Geda said with his facial expression.
Geda has dedicated his win to the memory of Paul the Octopus, a masterful cephalopod clairvoyant who predicated the 2010 winners of the World Cup and who unfortunately died of old age and utter fatigue with the human race.
The mystical macaque has hinted that he might throw his bananas into the ring for the 2020 U.S. election despite being a Chinese national and also a monkey. He pointed out that he has a greater chance than a human female candidate, further proving that politics, as the ancient proverb goes, truly is monkey business.
