WASHINGTON – As another Thanksgiving approaches, the age-old tradition of the U.S. president pardoning a turkey gets ready to take center stage in the nation’s capital. President Obama is putting the final touches on his Thanksgiving dad jokes as he prepares to pardon the final turkey of his presidency, and while this American tradition is silly and harmless, it didn’t stop President-elect and future Supreme Overlord Donald Trump from taking a stance on how he will handle the pardoning of turkeys.
“Let’s be honest, folks. It’s a bird. And not a good-looking bird if I may say. Clearly the bird is a three. A real butterball. Do you think I would pardon a three? I don’t think so. Give me a break.” Trump said. “And let me tell you one thing about turkeys. With turkeys we aren’t getting the best. We’re getting turkeys with problems. They’re bringing bird flu, making us sleepy, spreading droppings, some have things stuffed inside their cavities. I assume some are tasty birds. We have to make some changes.”
Americans have received Trump’s comments with great agony and fear. When reached for comment on the issue during a TV interview, Vice President-elect Mike Pence simply said, “He didn’t say that” and turned the time over to Chris Christie, who had quickly appeared after hearing the word “butterball.”
Trump continued his rant on the Thanksgiving pardoning, stating, “Under President Obama, turkeys have been able to run free. They’ve created underground networks that have helped ISIS, bigly. As President, I will create a National Turkey Registry. We have to get the bad turkeys out. No more plates of half-white meat, half-dark meat. It’s disgusting. Nobody wants the greasy, gamey dark meat. It’s ruining our holidays.”
Americans around the country began to worry about what this could mean for the future of Thanksgiving. Would it really be possible for Trump to get rid of all of the dark-meat turkeys? How was this any different than the time Adolf Hitler tried to ban kosher hot dogs since they didn’t belong with his bratwurst?
Turkeys with dark meat remember when they were discriminated against in the past. It was horrible. Many thought we might be getting better as a nation, but sadly, the turkeys with the whitest of white meat were given basic cable shows where they could strut all over the place, grabbing female turkeys by the giblets and passing off their unruly, violent behavior as barnyard talk. Dark meat turkeys felt beside themselves. The dark meat turkeys needed Americans to stand up for them and make people realize they were equals too, and that they had just as much of a right to be pardoned by the President and live on to see another Thanksgiving.
Will America sit back and let the great holiday of Thanksgiving fall by the wayside? If Donald Trump has his way, that might just be the case. Dark meat is just as much a part of Thanksgiving as any other Thanksgiving meat. Pardoning a turkey shouldn’t be based on the color of its meat, but what’s truly inside every bird out there.
