WOODS HOLE, Mass. – Elated marine biologists announced today they had picked up the radio signal of giant tortoise and Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell as he made his annual mating trek to the Galápagos Islands.
“I know I speak for all of us at Woods Hole when I say how humbled I am to track this amazing event,” said Dr. Heidi Campbell, noting this would be the first time since last year’s migration McConnell had fucked anything other than America.
“The moment Sen. McConnell lumbers onto shore, the wrinkly skin of his long, sensuous neck will prove irresistible to the waiting throng of eager females and their dilated cloacae.”
However, before the rhythmic groans of tortoise passion can echo across the archipelago, McConnell must first vanquish rival males in combat.
“When Sen. McConnell unfurls his monstrously aubergine penis and David Attenborough starts to play the Star Trek fight theme on his bongos, you’ll know it’s about to get real.”
If McConnell survives, he will enjoy unobstructed access to the individual he deems most fertile, regardless of her views on late trimester egg-smashing.
