Right now, the world is mourning the death of Pan Pan, who was thought to be the oldest male giant panda in the world at 31 years old, which is the equivalent of about 100 human years. But that’s not the most important thing. What we are really celebrating is the fact that Pan Pan banged a TON of panda babes and almost single-handedly saved his species.
Pan Pan, who was living out his final days at the China Conservation and Research Center for the Giant Panda, first became a father in 1991 and now has more than 130 descendants living worldwide, accounting for 25 percent of the world’s captive pandas. That’s a lot of fucking! For Pan Pan, he was basically living in that dystopian future we’ve all envisioned at some point, where we have to bang as much as we possibly can to save the human race (so really, despite the nuclear holocaust, it all turns out pretty good in the end).
That essentially means Pan Pan’s life was nothing but endless sex, interrupted only by eating and sleeping. In other words, Pan Pan was a hero for all species and he will be remembered as such.
Pan Pan’s life story is being celebrated a year after the record-breaking sex marathon between pandas Lu Lu and Zhen Zhen, earning Lu Lu the nickname “The Enduring Brother,” which I know you’re as envious of as I am. No if we could just figure out that pesky climate change and save the panda’s bamboo habitat, this could really be a golden era for these adorable little fuck machines.
