With healthcare costs rising and the Affordable Care Act on President-elect Donald Trump’s chopping block, many people have been asking themselves: How the hell am I going to afford therapy?
You’re in luck: The popular rideshare service Uber may present a unique alternative for those lacking both access to mental health services and also awareness of appropriate social boundaries.
The truth is, unloading your emotional garbage on your Uber driver is a clever, affordable way to work through your issues in lieu of seeing an actual, licensed therapist. After all, your Uber may be rated a one-star driver, but that doesn’t mean they can’t be a five-star therapist!
Here are some tips to make the most of your makeshift-therapeutic experience:
1. The confines of a four-door, non-commercially marked vehicle made in 2001 or later are an ideal place to hold your Uber driver socially hostage as you drunkenly cry and explore how men at the bar probably don’t respect you because of how distant your father was when you were growing up. Reportedly, the best Uber drivers for therapy are older Italian-American men who have three daughters of their own, so they “get it, honey.”
2. For a true therapist’s office experience, solo passengers can opt for an UberXL, thereby allowing you to lay supine in the backseat, just like on a traditional therapist’s couch. Bonus points if your Uber has a brown, cracked-leather interior. Your Uber driver, meanwhile, will try his best to help you parse out your feelings of sexual frustration and inadequacy as he narrowly avoids hitting that pedestrian in the crosswalk.
3. Uberpool, which matches people with other passengers traveling in their direction, is a great alternative to group therapy. With any luck, you will be matched with fellow passengers who are not only trying to go uptown, but also have the same crushing fears of isolation and abandonment.
4. Find an Uber driver whose first language might not be English. That way, you can uninterruptedly ramble about how you just don’t feel fulfilled in your cubicle job and how you want to take a shot at voiceover artistry, or maybe film, while he tries to find the address of the converted warehouse space where your party is.
5. Not only can Uber be an inexpensive way to get to the airport, your Uber driver may also be able to talk you down from your impending panic spiral if you have a fear of flying. It is generally frowned up, however, to ask your Uber driver for Xanax, although I hear Lyft is usually good for that.
