WASHINGTON- Wasting no time getting acclimated to his new surroundings, ten-year-old Barron Trump has already begun maiming and murdering a variety of small animals found all over the White House property, from squirrels and birds to the beloved unofficial White House stray cat Cheeto.
“I put out the daily saucer of milk for Cheeto and was surprised he didn’t come by at his usual time,” said a longtime worker who wished to remain anonymous. “I did find a pile of small bones in a closet, but it’s hard to say who or what they belonged to.”
In the first full day of the Trump administration, scattered remains of maimed creatures could be seen on the South Lawn, and a headless mouse was placed in the pocket of chief of staff Reince Priebus’ suit jacket. And while the first days of a new administration can be chaotic, many staffers reportedly witnessed the youngest Trump son tearing the legs off stuffed bears and covering himself in the stuffing.
“The president is a tremendous father,” said press secretary Sean Spicer in a prepared statement. “He loves all of his children, especially Barron, whom the president has spoken to a number of times throughout his young life.”
At press time, White House staffers could be seen scrubbing the words “HELLO FATHER,” written in an unidentified animal’s blood, off the walls outside the Oval Office.
