CLEVELAND HEIGHTS, Ohio – Trying to conceal his smile, local 12-year-old Daniel Donaldson admitted to reporters Monday that he feels “ready to tear shit up” this Friday night.
“It’ll probably be the best Friday ever,” Donaldson said with excitement, his attention split between a room of reporters and a marathon session of Minecraft.
When asked to elaborate, Donaldson said, “Well, first off, I obviously have to finish school, and I have this presentation in Social Studies about, ummm, whatchamacallit…” he said, trailing off as the video game consumed his attention.
“…the French Revolution. But I’m, like, basically done with all that, I just need to — FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, MOTHERFUCK” Donaldson abruptly began yelling into his PlayStation 4 headset. “IF YOU SAY YOU’RE GOING TO KILL THE ZOMBIES, KILL THE FUCKING ZOMBIES, ROBBIE!”
“But then after school, dad said he would take us — well, not all of us, Ricky’s mom said he’s too young to go, sucks for him…but my dad is gonna take me, Nathan, Adam and Andrew to see Assassin’s Creed, which looks pretty cool. Have you played the games? They’re pretty cool.”
After the movie, Donaldson said, his dad is taking the group to Penn Station. “I’ve been getting a large cheesesteak lately,” Donaldson said. Sources confirm that Donaldson, who is a growing boy, has asked for the large sandwich his last three trips to the sandwich shop.
“We’re going back to Andrew’s place after that,” Donaldson said. “His parents let us watch literally anything…even South Park. Do you like that show? It’s pretty funny.”
The only thing missing from this idyllic Friday evening?
“Well, we haven’t seen much of Matt lately,” Donaldson said. “He’s been kinda spending all of his time with Sarah, from English.”
Sources confirmed that Matt Lorenzo, one of Donaldson’s oldest friends, was seen holding hands with Sarah Belamey after the fall social; reports of the two kissing are unconfirmed, but rumors persist.
“Yeah, I guess he has a girlfriend or whatever. I don’t really get it, but I guess it’s cool. I’m just worried he won’t come to my birthday party next week…he isn’t returning my calls.”
Donaldson’s mother then called up the stairs, telling the young man that he still needed to empty the trash and do his math homework before he could continue playing.
“I’LL BE DOWN IN A MINUTE, MOM!” Donaldson said, noticeably angry at the prospect. He managed to squeeze in several more moments of gaming, only shutting off his PlayStation when he heard his mother walking up the stairs.
