EVANSTON, Ill. – Reports confirm that after exploring several options like ‘Fuck You Sally,’ ‘Fuck You Billy’ and ‘Fuck You James,’ at press time the office thermostat was finally set to a non-discriminating ‘Fuck You’ in all rooms.
“I think it’s a pretty nice setting, simple and clear, assuring no one in the entire office is comfortable at any moment or in any corner of the building, ever. Given that we are an equal opportunity company, this even lines up with our company philosophy very well,” stated the company’s president, Matt Brayer.
“We previously tried ‘Fuck You Even Though Its Nice Outside’ and ‘Fuck You, You Piece of Shit’ for the common areas, on a trial basis. And ‘Really, Really Fuck You All’ worked pretty well till now,” added the company’s CEO Steve Johnson. “But since a simple ‘Fuck You’ seems to be most successful in the office cubicle space, we’ve rolled it out for the common areas as well.”
“What does ‘Fuck You’ translate to in Fahrenheit you ask? Well, technically it translates to ‘Fuck You Degrees’, even though it feels more like a ‘Fuck You Motherfucker’ to me,” said office worker James Martin, who could be seen adding a layer of clothing on his way to the common lobby area, while prepping to shed a few layers before entering the break room.
