WASHINGTON – Intent on furthering its outreach to Muslims across America, the government announced today that it will expand its unpaid internment program to all followers of Islam currently living in the United States. “It’s a competitive job market out there,” stated Program Director and Secretary of Homeland Security John F. Kelly. “This mandatory internment program is a unique and historic opportunity to network and gain valuable skills, all while working under very close supervision.”
Participants had mixed reactions to the expansion of the program, which started as a small pilot study at Guantanamo Bay for military-aged Muslim men. “At least it’s not just fetching coffee and making copies,” said Omar Mushfiq, 22. “Here we have a truly immersive learning environment. In fact, sometimes I feel as if I am literally drowning amidst all the learning!”
Civilian assembly centers are the first stop for the interns, as participants are known, after transferring from their local communities. From there, dedicated boxcars ferry the interns to relocation centers where a highly disciplined learning environment takes hold. Although interns are much too busy to sleep, not everything at the program is serious. Dogs, for example, have full access to the interns and loud rock music can be heard blaring at some relocation centers continuously during the day and night.
“There was a similar program offered to Japanese Americans in the 1940s and they even got paid $20,000 each four decades later,” stated Mohammed Ahmed, another intern. “I’m just going to buckle down and hope for a full-time offer. I heard that people who really excel at the internment can be put on the no-fly list for life.”
Despite the government’s best intentions, some feel that internment programs are inherently unfair and exploitative. Director Kelly was quick to dismiss such concerns. “If that’s true,” said Kelly, “how do you explain the fact that, despite its temporary, undefined duration, no interns have to date left the program?”
