WASHINGTON – Preparations have begun for the first Hug A Newsperson Day celebration to be held on April 4th on the South Lawn of the White House. According to Press Secretary Sean Spicer, the event will include a luncheon, games, and is 100 percent definitely not a trap.
“Yes, President Trump has had a somewhat acrimonious relationship with the media, but on Hug A Newsperson Day we celebrate those who dedicate their lives to informing the public. Now could you pass me that punji stick?,” said Spicer while adjusting a tripwire.
Chief strategist Steve Bannon will welcome the guests, and pass out gift bags on their way into the newly constructed labyrinth on the White House lawn. “Its a fun game.” Bannon said. “Everyone who arrives is given a bright orange jacket so we can better see them, an engraved hunting knife for their protection, and a five-minute head start before the Culling….I mean game of hide-and-seek begins,” he said while cleaning an automatic rifle. Blaring, disorienting music for the event will be provided by 3 Doors Down.
When asked what prompted President Trump’s decision to honor the people he has been fighting with, Spicer said, “The President just wishes to honor the men and women of the press and wants to ensure they get what they rightfully deserve.” He proceeded to laugh maniacally.
Attendees are expected from every major media outlet, with special places of honor set aside for Keith Olbermann, Megyn Kelly, and two-thirds of the Young Turks. “It will be the biggest honor of the press in the history of our great nation. Period,” said Spicer while twisting the ends of a recently grown handlebar mustache.
