Major League Baseball must make their games faster. The average game now lasts three hours, which deters fans and interferes with participation in the new American pastime: perpetual fear. This report aims to curb the bloat of MLB games, while still retaining all the action and excitement that makes baseball a game that overweight white guys can still play well into middle age.
Although not all of these recommendations will be home runs (for maximum efficiency, please limit your laughter to three seconds), we feel confident that four out of ten will probably turn out okay. In efficiency, as in baseball, that’s Hall of Fame material.
1. Speed up the intentional walk
Major League Baseball has finally implemented the automatic intentional walk, though not without some confusion. To clear things up, the pitcher can quickly initiate walks by holding up a sign that says “I’m a weenie.”
2. Shorten the commercial breaks
Offset lost revenue by integrating product ads into the game. Suggested sponsors include sports drinks, cleaning products, and excess saliva removal.
3. Switch to Little League time restrictions
Nine innings is far too long, especially when you have school the next day. Limit regulation games to five innings, institute a ten-run rule, and make everyone go home if the opposing parents start fighting.
4. Change the walk-up music for batters
Mid-tempo rock music causes batters to approach the plate with the slow swagger of a guy who wasn’t too small for the football team. Employ out-of-season awards show orchestras to play batters on with “Flight of the Bumblebee” and play them off if they stall.
5. Ban all beards longer than one inch in length
The reduced drag will allow players to take their positions faster while eliminating that pensive pause that bearded dudes take before they do anything.
6. Rein in melodramatic umpires
Umpires sometimes supplement their thankless jobs by calling unnecessary attention to themselves. Limit the “Yeeeer out!” and all other calls to the number of syllables specified in the dictionary.
7. Rein in melodramatic fans
If anyone proposes during a game, their team has to forfeit. Forever. If possible, consider transferring the curse of the Chicago Cubs over to them too.
8. Move the seventh inning stretch to the eighth inning
Not sure if that’ll make the game faster, but you know when you take a late lunch, and the rest of the day just seems shorter?
9. Get rid of the audience kiss cam
Replace it with a kiss cam that activates during a meeting on the pitcher’s mound, in a head-to-head confrontation with the umpire, or when the pitcher won’t put down the rosin bag.
10. Replace that whole “baseball” thing with the part of the game where the mascots race
Our research indicates there’s a good chance that it’s the only reason anyone comes to games in the first place.
If all else fails, look into closing up the loophole in the laws of physics that causes time to stop anytime Joe Buck starts talking.
