Gooooooooood afteroooooon, Tropicana Field! Got plans for Earth Day? Join us back here on April 22 for our special Earth Day fan celebration! Come see your hometown Taaaaaampa Baaaaay Raaaaaays as we try to distract ourselves from the inevitable destruction of Earth as we know it.
Watch your Rays take on the Houston Astros, but don’t leave after the sixth inning like usual! Stay for the post-game fireworks show, a prescient preview of the aaaaapocalyptic nightmare that awaits us.
There’s nothing better than a good ol’ ballpark hot dog! That’s why we’re offering $1 hot dogs too! Eat as many as you can! I mean, why not? “Swimsuit season?” There’s only one season now, and it’s “apocalyptic hellscape.”
Be sure to get here early, because the first 10,000 fans through the doors will receive, oh, were we supposed to scrounge up a special souvenir for you? Awfully insensitive to be talking about material possessions right now, isn’t it? Sorry, we don’t have new gifts for you! We were too busy worrying about rising sea levels washing the stadium away.
You want free stuff? Fine. It’s not like we’ll need it soon anyway. I’m sure we still have some leftover bobbleheads around here somewhere. Watch Kevin Kiiiiiiiiermaier’s wobbling head silently scold you for letting our planet fall to pieces. Take the green grocery tote bags from last year’s giveaway that everyone just left in their seats. Bet you feel pretty bad for not saving the Earth now, don’t you? Take these old Devil Rays bucket hats as you think back to the days when the biggest things you had to worry about were the Y2K bug and your recurring nightmares about the Smash Mouth guy.
Why not just take a jersey from the gift shop? Take these game balls. Take the chair you’re sitting in! How many home games do we have left this year anyway? 60? 70? If we’re lucky! Take some dirt from the diamond. Take some from the pitcher’s mound. Take one last whiff of that good old earth before the only thing you can smell is the festering fragrance of “apocalyptic wasteland.”
So be sure to join us here at Trooooopicana Fiiiiiiield on Earth Day as we host the Houston Astros, coming to us all the way from Minute Maid Park! Come see the futile face-off between the two teams dumb enough to name their stadiums after the drink we spent our lives consuming to maintain our health, only to die of our own hubris anyway!
April 22: Tampa Bay, Earth Day, and you! Sponsored by Tropicana. Tropicana: because a day without orange juice is like a day without sunshine, and soon we will have neither!™
