FOXBORO, Mass. – After the dog days of summer, in which golf, tennis, and baseball dominate the sporting landscape, sports fans nationwide are thrilled to see the return of traumatic brain injury season.
Brain injury season, sometimes referred to as concussion season, sweeps the country every year, starting in late August and sometimes extending into the new year. True fans of blunt force head trauma swear it’s a lifelong commitment.
“It’s the best!” said twice concussed Jackson LePage, a former athlete from Greenville, South Carolina. “Something about the pageantry of teams wearing the same color as their fans while hiding the truth about the long-term effects of repeated head trauma just really gets me amped up.”
In anticipation of fans rabid to watch the early stages of dementia, CTE, and in rare cases, Parkinson’s disease, bars and restaurants everywhere are stocking up on beer.
“It’s gonna be a great season!” exclaimed Martin Rockford, who owns Hardly Legal Eagles, a bar in sports-crazed Philadelphia. “Sometimes you forget how good it feels to see someone mortgage their future to chase a ball, assuring themselves an early death at the hands of a cripplingly painful condition.”
According to Forbes, some three million kids in American played for a concussion in 2016, but some fear the number is dwindling and will put the future of the sport in danger.
“I’m not worried,” said noted concussion advocate Roger Goodel from atop a chair made of prescription pill bottles.
