Stop me if you’ve heard this one.
There were these teenagers and they were makin’ out in a car, okay, and it’s wooded and dark and secluded, and there was a serial killer on the loose. They hear a car pull up behind them and they see the car turn off the headlights. The dude turns to his lady friend and is like “Don’t worry bae, I got this. But whatever you do, don’t get out of the car or go peeping around.” So dude himself gets out of the car, tryin’ to be all tough.
What feels like a long time passes. The girl’s stomach rumbles. And then…she hears scratching, knocking, scratching, knocking, scratching coming from somewhere outside of the car, but like on the car.
Now she’s starting to feel really scared. But she keeps her head down like he says and doesn’t check and doesn’t check and doesn’t check – she listened to him like a good girl, but she knows she can’t stay in that car forever, and her curiosity is starting to get the best of her so she finally checks.
And there is her boyfriend at the passenger window. He’s holding a big pizza box, some cinnamon sugar-encrusted bread sticks, and a two liter of Cherry Coca-Cola. He’s trying to get in the damn car. She locked the door! Why is she so dumb? He doesn’t have the key! He told her not to look up but he was trying to SURPRISE her! Goddammit Luke, she thinks, you are brilliant sweetheart. But then, get this: he doesn’t have enough money to tip the delivery guy. And now she has to find her wallet! So she bends over to dig through her purse on the floor but of course she tips over the remains of her day-old-goddamn-pumpkin-spice-latte while rooting around the floor to do so.
So she gives him some money. And now it turns out the boyfriend got mushrooms and squash and green stuff on the pizza and she absolutely hates mushrooms! What the hell was he thinking? But the boyfriend’s like, “But it was a seasonal special!” She keeps her trap shut like a good girl and eats the shitty pizza anyway.
A few months later they go to prom and then they finally sleep together (It was fine, but now how she imagined. Though it gets better after she spends some money at Victoria’s Secret.) But then they break up over the summer because he never really gets her. Over the years she discovers that her palate grows more refined and she starts to like mushrooms. But never ever ever ever on pizza.
Oh, and the delivery driver gets murdered by the serial killer, but they didn’t find that out until the next morning. It has nothing to do with the story and is barely worth mentioning.
