WASHINGTON – Responding to claims of pedophilia, corruption and sexual abuse among Republican lawmakers, Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell took a moment today to remind voters that good can only exist as an opposite to evil.
Explaining that several key figures in the Republican party have always known what goodness lies deep within the heart of man, McConnell went on to explain that Republicans have taken it upon themselves to be the “repulsive and damnable wretches that inspire our citizens to greatness.”
“From what ghastly crucible would heroes emerge if not for the eldritch legislative horrors we spin?” he went on to ask the gathered crowd of reporters. “It doesn’t bring us any pleasure sealing the fates of those who cannot afford healthcare or peddling dangerous conspiracy theories, but this is the truly honorable path we’ve chosen.”
